You know when you want someone to play a major role in your life, but there is no possible way in the entire world that that would ever ever happen and the more you see that person and the more they slip away from you in your relationship, the more dejected and hopeless you feel? I feel that way right now. Its not that fun. It was really bad tonight. Or when you have the best friend in the entire world and you could talk to them about anything or do anything to them and they will still say "I love you" at the end of the day. And when this friend slowly and painfully starts to slip away from you. And you clucth at them until the knuckles show white and you cry out in pain, "Pleas, hold on! Please, just hold onto me!" And they loosen their grip slowly oh so slowly until you are holding onto them by their pinky finger and they aren't even paying attention to what you are trying to do. They are only concentrated on the drop below and the free fall. And it breaks your heart when you see the anticipation in their eyes at the thrill of the unknown drop and you wonder why in the world are still holding onto them? why are you holding them back? Because you love them too much and you don't want to lose them ever ever. If i lose them, my life would become an empty meaningless void and i would be consumed form the inside out with thoughts of them. I've met new people and have started new relationships with people that i love like my own flesh and blood. And I'm so terrified of losing them because i realize now thats a much too real possibility. One of them could be lead away to anothter part of the world never to be seen again. another friend is already gone. i will barely get to see her now because of her convictions and what she believes God is telling her to do. I miss her so much. another friend is never there when i'm there and i'm never there when hes there. tonight i noticed there was a gap in our family. he wasn't there. at a dumb track meet thing where he had to go to a friends house and eat. how lame. wish he had been there. the others are amazing but i can never see them except on fridays. these days are the hightlights of my week. when i can sit down and curl up with my family and be myself and let myself go. it makes me so happy when we are all together. but i'm still so scared of all of us getting separated forever. if they leave me, what will i do? i'm not a retarded person who lives and breathes and revolves around her friends but i really do love them. my heart fills up to the bursting point when i see all of us huddled together under the feeble light by the pool, everyone soaking wet from going swimming at their own will or being tossed in, my "older bro" strumming his guitar and all of us singing together. we all talk about the troubles in our life and we pray for eachother and its such a blessing. i come away feeling more loved and cleaner than pure white cotton. i wish everyone cared as much about me as i do about them. i wish i could tell them but i can't find the words and it would disturb some of them because they don't feel like i do.