You know when you want someone to play a major role in your life, but there is no possible way in the entire world that that would ever ever happen and the more you see that person and the more they slip away from you in your relationship, the more dejected and hopeless you feel? I feel that way right now. Its not that fun. It was really bad tonight. Or when you have the best friend in the entire world and you could talk to them about anything or do anything to them and they will still say "I love you" at the end of the day. And when this friend slowly and painfully starts to slip away from you. And you clucth at them until the knuckles show white and you cry out in pain, "Pleas, hold on! Please, just hold onto me!" And they loosen their grip slowly oh so slowly until you are holding onto them by their pinky finger and they aren't even paying attention to what you are trying to do. They are only concentrated on the drop below and the free fall. And it breaks your heart when you see the anticipation in their eyes at the thrill of the unknown drop and you wonder why in the world are still holding onto them? why are you holding them back? Because you love them too much and you don't want to lose them ever ever. If i lose them, my life would become an empty meaningless void and i would be consumed form the inside out with thoughts of them. I've met new people and have started new relationships with people that i love like my own flesh and blood. And I'm so terrified of losing them because i realize now thats a much too real possibility. One of them could be lead away to anothter part of the world never to be seen again. another friend is already gone. i will barely get to see her now because of her convictions and what she believes God is telling her to do. I miss her so much. another friend is never there when i'm there and i'm never there when hes there. tonight i noticed there was a gap in our family. he wasn't there. at a dumb track meet thing where he had to go to a friends house and eat. how lame. wish he had been there. the others are amazing but i can never see them except on fridays. these days are the hightlights of my week. when i can sit down and curl up with my family and be myself and let myself go. it makes me so happy when we are all together. but i'm still so scared of all of us getting separated forever. if they leave me, what will i do? i'm not a retarded person who lives and breathes and revolves around her friends but i really do love them. my heart fills up to the bursting point when i see all of us huddled together under the feeble light by the pool, everyone soaking wet from going swimming at their own will or being tossed in, my "older bro" strumming his guitar and all of us singing together. we all talk about the troubles in our life and we pray for eachother and its such a blessing. i come away feeling more loved and cleaner than pure white cotton. i wish everyone cared as much about me as i do about them. i wish i could tell them but i can't find the words and it would disturb some of them because they don't feel like i do.

Ug. I dislike homework. I was starting to have a meltdown over all the useless scientific writing I had to do so I took a welcome break. I logged onto my blog yipee! Writing for fun really calms me down and helps me think and reflect on deep and important things. Yeah I know I'm a nerd. At least I don't wear braces or glasses. Well if I keep reading in the dark and my teeth keep growing the wrong way I might need both. Ha! I'm glad I'm not on webcam-i just caught myself with my head lolling back mouth open while I was writing. I seriously need to stop staying up till one in the morning. The clouds are rolling in. Yes. I love clouds. They are a gorgeous, unique and sometimes ominous reminder of God's glory. And it means Calif is finally going to get some relief form the mean relentless sun. (Like the words I'm using? I know you do) *groans in annoyance and bangs head against wall* my little sister can really be a bother sometimes. I don't think anyone reads this but I don't care that much...well a little. I know random people probably read this and my friends read this. Ok now I'm going to go.

Blah blah blah. My friend Alicia said I was nerdy because I have a blog. She just does7n't know how to live. She needs to get a life of7f of Ebay! Love you Alicia! I had my first guitar lesson at my new school. The tea7cher is pretty cool. There is the guy in my class named Joey and he's so good at guitar-it's insane! Hey if anyone has one-way tickets for a round trip to Australia, I would reall7y appreciate if you could give them to me. Th7ey would be even cooler if I could pick the day I could leav7e and choose how long I could sta7y there. If you have 'em and don't want 'em, give 'em to meeeeeee! I have a good use for t7hem, the use which am going to use them for I will withold from you beca7use I'm mean like that ;)

I just got back from the beach. Man, the waves were like ten feet tall!!! There were a lot of rip currents that would suck you down and drag you on the bottom. I couldn't get up once they dragged me down. I bodysurfed one wave and i got spit out with the curl of the wave and i got slammed into the bottom. I got out after that. Becasue I love my life. Well gotta go finish my math homework becuase it due tomorrow. Chow! (or however those crazy brits spell it :P)

Ug. My little sister is having another one of her crying sessions. I can hear her crying and screaming right now. She does this pretty much every day. My entire family is getting fed up with it. She asks the same things over and over again to my mom and dad. When they get tired of her and tell her to go away she comes and cries to me. I tell her what we've all been telling her for the last um let's see...eight months and she still asks me the same questions. I'm sooooo tired of it! Then when she gets an answer she's looking for...she asks the same question again. It's so frustrating.

Yeah, 2 months exactly! It was 2 months ago that i posted my last comment. My cousins came down to visit us. They are so much fun. They are a couple years older than me but that makes them even more fun. I started high school too. On the stinkin' 18th of August! I was soooo ticked off. But it's cool i guess. I met two awesome people who i am proud to call my friends. They are Alicia and Felisha and Moses. Well thats three but whatever, i stink at math anyways. I'm actually struggling to finish it right now. well now i am going to get a life. bye!

i saw a really good movie today. it was the third ice age. i know it may seem really childish to some, but i loved it. it's actually my new favorite movie :)